KerryOn: Be There for the Disappointment

I was feeling slightly panicked as I drove the 170 miles to the Minnesota High School State Speech Tournament to watch my boys compete together. I didn't anticipate going to their event because I had driven over 300 miles the day before to receive an award, and then back home the same day. I knew with my teaching schedule; I would miss the first three rounds of their competition. However, they were likely to make it to the final round, and knowing what they did to get to State compelled me to hop in the car for several more hours so I could watch them one last time.

I had seen them perform earlier that season, sweeping the competition in almost every meet. What they accomplished was awe-inspiring. They took a two-hour movie – “Stranger Than Fiction” – edited it and blocked it down to 10 minutes. Their speech category, called “duo”, meant that both of them played multiple characters during their performance. For months, the junior and senior worked diligently together to prepare their presentation. I would hear them creating and conspiring on the weekend and late at night after homework and basketball practice was finished. Sometimes the collaboration included arguing, but mostly I would hear uncontrollable laughter until eventually their words and actions were in sync. I knew they would always remember this experience because they created something they were passionate about together.

I made it to the State meet to surprise my family, just minutes after the third round finished. We all sat together with nervous anticipation waiting for the final round participants to be announced. While we expected to see their names on the board, that was not the outcome. Their nervous enthusiasm immediately turned to shocked disappointment. They were utterly deflated. It took us all a minute to fully grasp that this was the end of the speech season, and the end of our senior’s high school speech career. I gave them hugs and told them I was proud of the hard work they put into their performance.

While I originally intended to be there for the triumph, it turned out I was there for something even more important: I was there for the trial, the disappointment. My husband and I sat silently with them as they processed the experience. They grappled with their thoughts and feelings about the unexpected outcome. Our only job was to just be with them during that time.

Often, we are there to celebrate successes with people in our lives. Big accomplishments, winning streaks, and award recognition become the time and place we gather. Yet, how often do we show up after the losses, or when the accolades aren’t there? In times like these, there isn’t anything we can say to make the frustration or pain disappear. Just being with someone during a devastating low makes a statement that can mean a lot more than cheering for them during a victorious high. It can show them their passion and hard work, not the outcome, is what is important.

The most valuable gift that we can possibly give someone is to be there for them during the disappointment.

Special Note: Not only did the boys create camaraderie through their work, but they also cultivated a fun-filled and supportive environment for other competitors in speech, cross country, track, and knowledge bowl. They brought people together, and that is way more important than any of the medals they received over the years.

KerryOn Questions

- Think about a time when you showed up for someone who was struggling. How did you approach the situation?

- When have others shown up for you during a devastating low in your life?

- What are the ways you can lean into your passion and hard work, not your outcome?

The Kerry behind KerryOn

My name is Kerry K. Fierke, Ed.D. (pron. Fear-Key) I have a unique combination of skills and experience – decades of fast-paced corporate experience in Fortune 100 companies and large health care organizations, combined with the academic rigor of a highly ranked research university. My focus is supporting others to create their own path to leadership development, lifelong learning, and a unique leadership legacy. Take a moment to focus on leadership, then KerryOn!

To see all KerryOn's and other leadership stuff, visit www.kerrykfierke.com.